What to Keep and What to Give Away
October 2nd, 2025 by admin
Statistics tell us we are getting older as a country. Many of us have accumulated more things, more property, than we ever would have imagined. So much so that don't know what to do with it, honestly. Many of us are close enough to the times of the Great Depression, and our parents' admonition to conserve in any way we can. We run out of space in our homes, but we do not want to give it away. Americans rent millions and millions of storage units for things we do not really need. As the old story I told years about an employee of my dad's company, so much so that "one pile won't hold it all."
There will be another day to talk about what to do with the currency of the realm and tangible items we have accumulated.
This piece is about two currency of the heart matters which travel well with our family. And I hope they will travel well with you. And maybe next time we'll talk about those things that we need give away. The things in this Season of Hope in which we find ourselves which matter little. Or none at all.
Some of the most important lessons we learn in life which travel well over time come in the smallest of ways. If we are on the lookout for them.
An old hurts, too. Which hold us back more than we know.
As we head into a special season for many of us. It is good to reflect what we should keep, and what we should give away.
NICKEL LAW
My Janet's mother was a teacher all her working career. Growing up in the tough times of the Great Depression, she knew some hard times on a first named basis. A beneficiary herself of kindness along the way, and a feeling of self-respect, especially among your peers, she carried a handful of kindness when she taught the first grade.
In her small town where she taught, there were students who had parents who were financially prosperous, and those who were not. Some of the students who lived in "The Bottom," the land by the streams where the struggles were the hardest in a host of ways, especially financially.
The first grade students of Mrs. Graham would get the chance to buy an ice cream cone in the afternoon for a nickel. One student back in those days did not have a nickel like the others, and it was a discernible "class dividing" issue at that age. Mrs. Graham would quietly slip him a nickel every school day, but the other students did not know it. An evening up of how students at that age may divide themselves in the currency of attitude towards some.
Years later student went on to become a teacher, too. And he never forgot the kindness of Frances Graham. As an adult, although his family moved to another part of the state after that year, he would regularly call her on her birthday. And when her health was failing as a senior citizen, he would call her and have his class sing happy birthday to her, too.
When she passed away, he drove four hours each way to attend her funeral. The teacher who handed out kindness, dignity, and respect, too, every school day, one nickel at a time.
HITCH LAW
Some years ago, one of our children had a gathering of some of his buddies from college and graduate school, an early bachelor party before his marriage in August that summer. They got together in the mountains of North Carolina, and they came from all around.
One of the activities was a rafting trip down the New River. The direction app to get to the rafting company took them over a pretty rough road, more of a path, really. The Bronco they were piled into slid sideways and down the hill a bit, and they were stuck. One of the buddies said: "We need someone with a hitch to get us out." At which point, to the surprise of everyone, an old local guy came by. And as mountain folks can do so well, observed: "This ain't no road."
But he had a hitch on his truck on his truck, as it turned out, and he pulled the Jeep back to the road.
These career-headed buddies offered to pay the old guy for saving their day's activity. But instead of taking the tip, the old guy offered another form of value. He said: "when you find somebody else in a spot sometime, try to help them out."
Some years later the buddies got together at another event, and they talked about old times. But what they remembered about the trip to the mountains all those years ago was the lesson learned from the guy with a hitch. Which travelled further on their journey to success than one would have imagined.
A lesson learned by some smart well-educated people about one of life's sweetest misdirections: There is never a bad time to do a good deed.
We just never know its reach in life. Especially for those of talent, education, and leadership skills. (You know: people like you.)
One of the lessons a young lawyer learns is that clients will fight and complain about the most amazing things. I saw this dynamic when I was not many years into the practice of law. Some clients just cannot let a matter go. And lawyers worth their salt tell them you just have to let some things go. Anger and arguments are not going to take you to anyplace worth going.
Not many months after I tried a very hotly contested case favorably to my client, the North Carolina Bar Association formed a committee to study court-ordered mediation, which had been successful in other states. I was a very young lawyer, I somehow I was chosen to serve on the committee.
We travelled all over the country to observe how other states did it, and we came up with a solid plan which was adopted into the law. And it has been very successful. The vast majority of cases now are settled. It provides litigants a venue to let calmer heads prevail. And the best mediators know the hot buttons NOT to push.
Have to let it go. Anger and pettiness serve no useful purpose. "Resentment is like drinking poison and thinking it will kill your enemies."
My observation is that resentment and anger do not take you to you any place worth going.
One of the special stories many of us hear at this time year is the story of family member who threw away his family and went away. After many years, he returned. How did
I was asked to represent a client in a hotly contested domestic case. Family law was not nearly as complex as it is now, certainly before lawyers were certified in certain areas of the law. I had had my share of cases in this lane of the law. The couple had no children, and it was really more of a glorified property dispute. They both had good jobs, they made good money, and they loved to fight.
Against my better instincts, I agreed to represent the wife. She was nearly as mean as her husband. You could not believe some of the acts of pure hatred these educated and competent people did to one another.
Back in the day when family law matters often went to a jury trial to resolve, we picked a jury, and my client and I felt pretty good about our chances. And the other side's lawyer, not really a trial lawyer so much, agreed to a resolution which was very favorable to my client.
Knowing the history of the other party, we insisted that we do more to memorialize the settlement, not just tell the court it was resolved. I read it into the record, had it recorded, and the judge approved it.
We moved fast to get the written settlement completed and sent to the other side's lawyer for signing. But after a period of time, the other side got a new lawyer. And said the deal was off.
Thankfully, though, the judge signed the order in our favor, and it was done. The other side paid a lot of money to appeal the matter, but he did not prevail. He paid my client a lot of money.
I decided to end my career as a lawyer who handled family matters on a high note. I never took another family law case again.
But you know what? That couple NEVER got over this dispute. I ran into my client a couple of years after the settlement was affirmed by the appellate court, and her former husband was still complaining about all manner of things. The husband could never let it go.
But the power of a helping spirit is not limited to what may seem to be a small act of kindness, such as lending one a helping hand when one is in a hard spot, physically or otherwise. Or understanding the value of dignity and respect we all receive with a full sense of belonging, such as a young child needing the respect of their school classmates. They grow as we grow older and our skills and abilities grow, too.
Every one of us receiving this email has something to offer, just about different things and in different ways. But they are about the same quality, too: a clear sight line on the road to an act of kindness which travels well. And these experiences can be our teachers, too.
I know a lawyer who speaks to a lot of different groups about the law on a variety of common topics. The lawyer fields a lot of questions about a lot of common questions which concern the ebb and flow of our days, as most all lawyers do, too. Like a lot of lawyers, this lawyer offers to field a few later calls from those in the audience as a courtesy. Generally the lawyer may be able to point the caller in the right direction as a courtesy.
Some months later, someone who attended the talk on the law called the lawyer with a real dilemma.
This caller had bought a used truck which was being sold "as is," which means the dealer was making no representation about the condition of the truck. The person asked the salesperson, in a drive-around of the vehicle, if he could get a mechanic to inspect the vehicle before he offered to buy it. The salesperson person said he could, but the vehicle might be sold by that time.
The caller, not wanting to lose the deal, bought the vehicle and gave the dealer a check for $23,000. But a couple of days later the caller took the truck to a mechanic, and the motor area was filled with rust.
When the caller went back to the dealer and told him of the rust problem, the dealer said he was sorry, but "as is," meant "as is." He said it in a nice way, but he did not offer to take it back.
But when the caller went through with the lawyer all the details of what the salesman said before the purchase, the salesman, knowingly or unknowingly, made a representation that turned out was not fully complete. And it was on a very important fact which the caller did not realize.
As it turned out, the salesperson's representations gave every appearance of omitting, innocently or not, what the law calls a "material fact." Which means the offer to sell the vehicle may NOT have been "as is."
Should the caller have the lawyer call the dealer and demand his client's money back considering this omission?
Here is where the lawyer did the best lawyering of the day: He told the caller to go over with the dealer this fact, as now newly found out. The caller was free to tell the dealer he had talked to a lawyer, too. But to tell the dealer the lawyer said since the dealer was an honest dealer, and learning of this "new fact," he would probably want to "make it right."
And it worked. The buyer got a sweet deal on a different vehicle. More than likely than if the lawyer had called, for sure. Because the discerning lawyer told the caller to give the honest dealer a chance to "make it right." And he did.
The caller offered to pay the lawyer, but the lawyer declined, as most all lawyers I know would decline to accept payment. stating only he was glad it all worked out. That the dealer was the honest dealer people believed him to be. And that the businessman, armed with all the facts, chose to make it right.
What did the lawyer bring to this resolution? Knowledge of the law, of course, but most everyone would know, being armed with the full knowledge of the facts, would find their way to the law on this. But the key value that was brought to this challenge was discernment. Give an honest company the chance on its own decision to "make it right," a simple phrase which rounds out a concept which has travelled well over the years. And an honest company generally does not always need a lawyer's call to square the deal. Do they?
Discernment and judgment. That's what most everyone receiving this piece has. The trick is for all of us get it to the street.
We all have a helping hand we can offer another, no matter what we do. Just about different things. What is important is that we see it clearly and to understand the good all of you reading this can do.
Which brings me to you. All of you reading this piece are on here for a reason. What is the reach of your gifts and abilities to the ones who could use them? More than you realize.
This is especially true for those of us who have a special skill and knowledge that are hard to find for many among us because of their cost.
This is a special responsibility for lawyers, many believe. Especially the state organization which supervises the law profession. "Do the right thing," is at the core of the law and how lawyers conduct themselves, too, although it is not widely known most times. Most lawyers are knowledgeable about the law, but they have discernment and judgment, too. And they are generally a seasoned and calm calibrator of facts and circumstances.
Which is in part why the Lawyers on Call effort, highlighted last time, is so important.
Most lawyers have occasions to speak to groups about the law. Maybe it is a highly sophisticated group, but often it is a more informal venue. Folks in the audience ask if the lawyer will answer a quick call with a legal question down the road. Lawyers almost always agree to do so.
What I Have Learned About Life on the Way to the Courthouse is this:
We all have something to offer, just about different things. And it is important to realize pure kindness has a lot to do with getting to the places worth going in life.
I bet you have a special memory of someone who helped you along life's way. I do. Never pass up the chance to do something kind. You just never know where it will lead.
Posted in: On the Way to the Courthouse